Classic comedy lines..

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Withnail: You mean we've come out here in the middle of f***ing nowhere without aspirins?
Marwood: Where are we?
Withnail: How should I know where we are? I feel like a pig shat in my head!
 
I'm sorry I don't do impressions, my training is in Psyciatry.

That John Denver is full of shit.

Yeah, a white guy. With a moustache. About six-foot-three.
That's an awfully big moustache.
 
Lord Flash - Always treat your kite like you treat your woman.
George - How do you mean sir,take her home on a weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flash - No i mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!!
 
Reggie: So come on, Jimmy, who are you going to fight when this balloon of yours goes up?

Jimmy: Forces of anarchy: wreckers of law and order. Communists, Maoists, Trotskyists, neo-Trotskyists, crypto-Trotskyists, union leaders, Communist union leaders, atheists, agnostics, long-haired weirdos, short-haired weirdos, vandals, hooligans, football supporters, namby-pamby probation officers, rapists, papists, papist rapists, foreign surgeons (headshrinkers, who ought to be locked up), Wedgwood Benn, keg bitter, punk rock, glue-sniffers, Play For Today, squatters, Clive Jenkins, Roy Jenkins, Up Jenkins, up everybody's, Chinese restaurants - why do you think Windsor Castle is ringed with Chinese restaurants?

Reggie: You realise the sort of people you're going to attract, don't you Jimmy? Thugs, bully-boys, psychopaths, sacked policemen, security guards, sacked security guards, racialists, Paki-bashers, queer-bashers, Chink-bashers, anybody-bashers, Rear Admirals, queer Admirals, Vice-Admirals, fascists, neo-fascists, crypto-fascists, loyalists, neo-loyalists, crypto-loyalists.

Jimmy: Do you really think so? I thought support might be difficult.
 
""I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.””

homer simpson
 
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese and there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.

(Tommy Cooper)
Absolute class.
 
Python's Piranha Brothers sketch:

Vercotti Doug (takes a drink) I was terrified of him. Everyone was terrified of Doug. I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug. Even Dinsdale was frightened of Doug.

Interviewer What did he do?

Vercotti
He used sarcasm. He knew all the tricks, dramatic irony, metaphor, bathos, puns, parody, litotes and satire.
 
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