Geez a joke

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I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night so I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times, checked the back door.

Turns out there was no one there.
 
Quasimodo running down the street being chased by a gang of kids and he's shouting, ' how many times have i got to tell you i havent got your ball.'

Quasimodo lying wrecked on the pavement outside of Notre Dame, 'Esmerelda Esmerelda, thats not what i meant when i asked you to toss me off.'

Quasimodo comes home from work one day and finds Esmerelda ant the stove with a wok. Quasi, 'oh no not chinese food again.' Esmerelda, ' nho actually i'm gona iron one of your shirts,'
 
If I got a pound for every time I looked at the negative side of things,

I'd have far too much f***ing tax to pay
 
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

Well the niece thinks it's funny. Her grandas mate is called cliff anarl like.
 
For the ultra PC people, maybe avoid reading this one.

A bloke was running on the beach each day training for a big race coming up. One day he noticed a lass with no arms and no legs sitting in a beach chair crying her eyes out. He paused his run, went over to her and said 'Why are you crying, pet ?'. The lass with no arms and no legs looked up at him from her beach chair and sobbed 'Buhu, tomorrow am thirty and I've never been kissed buhuu'. Feeling sorry for the lass the lad bent down and gave her a good snog. She stopped crying and he continued his run along the beach.

The following day he was back out running again for the big race coming up when he again noticed the lass with no arms and no legs sitting in her beach chair, crying even more loud than the day before. Again the lad paused his run, went over to her and said 'Why are you crying, pet ?'. The lass looked up at him and sobbing wildly said 'Buhuhuu today am thirty and I've never been f*cked buhuuuu'. The lad thought for a second then bent down, picked the lass up and with her in his strong arms began to run along the beach, faster and faster till he came to the pier, ran all the way to the end of it, threw the lass into the sea, turned around and said 'Now you're f*cked...'
 
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