Unoffensive joke thread

[stephen cartwright]

knock knock

who's there?

mr i wantup

mr i wantup who?

go to the toilet then (say it out loud)

 

[Roger Senseless]

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: "A man and woman making love."

The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: "That's also a man and woman making love."

The psychoanalyst says: "You are obsessed with sex."

The patient says: "What do you mean I am obsessed? You are the one with all the dirty pictures.''

 

[AlpineExile]

That's a better chemist joke than the other one.
I had to Google the other one.

If it has to be explained, it's not funny.

You had to use Google to discover that ATP is pronounced the same as 80p?

 

[JAZZMANB]

Two pales of sick walking down the street,one says "i was brought up round here"

Guy having a full back tattoo done of an Indian,after an hour he says,oohh i forgot to mention i want him holding a Tomahawk..
No prob says the guy i'm still on with the Turban!

 

[ihatethemags]

I've just started a new business building Yachts in my attic, sales are going through the roof.

 

[Keawyeds]

You had to use Google to discover that ATP is pronounced the same as 80p?

I wasn't aware it was reduced to 80p to be honest

 

[Deleted member 14766]

Why is an elephant large, grey and wrinkled?


Because if it was small, white and smooth, it would be an aspirin.

 

[Deleted member 30853]

What do you call a South Asian lesbian?

Minge Eater!!!

 

[JAZZMANB]

What do you call a South Asian lesbian?

Minge Eater!!!

Unoffensive,haway keep up

 

[DonkeyScabs]

Mr Tickle couldn't wait for married life... Tess, however, was unsure about taking his name in marriage.

There's an 'entertainer' in Ferryhill called Tess Tickle.

 

[Randy Ostrich]

knock knock

who's there?

mr i wantup

mr i wantup who?

go to the toilet then (say it out loud)

Knock knock

Who's there?

Dejav

Dejav who?

Knock knock

 

[waddy999]

Quasimodo? That name rings a bell.

 

[Randy Ostrich]

What can you jump over that's 100 feet in the air?



A dead centipede.

 

[waddy999]

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ohio Lady.
Ohio Lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.

 

[Cockney Mackem]

Why did Dracula get sacked from his job as a project manager?

He couldn't deal with stakeholders

 

[gocatss]

Have I done my amnesia joke yet?

Not sure but I was going to tell the one about the pencil, then I thought there's just no point to it.

 

[Luca]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[ANonnyMoose]

Can we just cut out the middle men and go straight to the source?

 

[PTR]

Can we just cut out the middle men and go straight to the source?

You're not wrong!
It was the next video on a link earlier - spent an hour watching his stuff last night

 

[Tomma]

A bloke threw some milk and some cheese at me last night, and I thought 'How dairy?'

He then threw some Sodium Chloride and I thought 'That's a salt'.

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination? 'Hand Eye' (works a lot better if you sing it)