Unoffensive joke thread

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what does a tractor have in common with a dragon fruit?





Neither of them is a police officer.
 
Just made my new years resolution....I'm gonna stop leaving things so late.

What's Forest Gump's e-mail password? 1Forest1

Conjunctivitis.com... now that's a site for sore eyes.
 
Two Nuns riding their bikes down a cobbled street.

One says "Do you come this way often".
 
It's supposed to be inoffensive like this one. A bloke bought a pair of tortoise-shell shoes......it took him four hours to walk out of the shop.

See! I never said bollocks once.
 
Jesus is walking through Nazereth, when he passes a crowd of women, who are stoning an adulteress to death.
Jesus said "Stop, let she who is without sin, cast the first stone!"
The crowd stopped, then this little old lady walked up, picked up a massive boulder, and threw it at the woman, and killed her.
Jesus looked at the little old lady, sighed, and said,
" Sometimes, mother, you really piss me off!"
 
A little old lady walks into a sex shop shaking like fuck .... "D...d...d...do you s..s..s..sell vibrators?"

The lass behind the counter struggles to keep a straight face but replies "yes we do"

"D...d..do you s..s..s...sell 12 i..i..i..inch ones?"

"Yes, we do"

"D...d..do you s..s..s...sell 12 i..i..i..inch b..b...b...black o..o..ones?"

"Erm yes, yes we do"

"G..g..g..great" says the old woman "h.h..h..how do you t..t..turn them off?"
 
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
 
Mrs Lovejoy: "Don't day S...E...X in front of the C...H...I...L...D...R...E...N".

Crusty: "SEX CAULDRON??! I thought that place had shut down."

Can't beat a bit of Simpsons.
 
A bloke went to the doctors because he couldn't hear properly.
The doctor said 'can you describe the symptoms?'
The bloke said, 'yeah, Homer is yellow and stupid and Marge has got blue hair'.
 
Warwick Davies went into a tailors and says..."Have you got a suit to fit me"?
Tailor says...."If I have, I'll sack the fucker that made it!"
 
Why does Lieutenant Uhuru smell so bad?
Because William Shatner

Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken :oops:

Knock, knock
Who's There?
To
To Who?
:evil: To Whom!! :evil:

How many dyslexics does it take to change a light blub?
 
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