Management speak

Status
Not open for further replies.


They 'leaned' the place I work at - what an utter pile of shite. Thankfully, my section wasn't too badly affected; however, some poor sods were only allowed one personal item on their desk and were constantly asked if other items on the desk were 'active' or 'inactive', for example, a piece of fruit they may have placed on it to the f***ing horror of the lean jedis.

A whole new cackbabble lean language was introduced and if that wasn't bad enough, it's melded with normal management bullshit speak to form something so incomprehensible that staff spend more time trying to decipher it than on their actual work.

I've taken to seeing how much of it I can incorporate into my monthly performance review before my manager catches on that I'm ripping the piss - so far so good!
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Homunculus said:
They 'leaned' the place I work at - what an utter pile of shite. Thankfully, my section wasn't too badly affected; however, some poor sods were only allowed one personal item on their desk and were constantly asked if other items on the desk were 'active' or 'inactive', for example, a piece of fruit they may have placed on it to the f***ing horror of the lean jedis.

A whole new cackbabble lean language was introduced and if that wasn't bad enough, it's melded with normal management bullshit speak to form something so incomprehensible that staff spend more time trying to decipher it than on their actual work.

I've taken to seeing how much of it I can incorporate into my monthly performance review before my manager catches on that I'm ripping the piss - so far so good!
Click to expand...


Mate of mine had to go on a secondment to a R&D facility of a well-known confectionary company in France last year. They had a 'tidy' desk policy which meant nothing but your keyboard, monitor, mouse and mousemat were allowed to be on your desk at the end of the working day.
 
Stevie Freestein II said:
Post your examples here.

I sort of understand this but I needed to read it a few times:

Collaborative delivery of a set of agreed recommendations regarding the potential implementation of a benefits management process for <<our place of work>>. Success will be measured by the ability to deliver the recommendations within the demands placed on <<our department>> by <<our place of work>> and the degree to which the delivery of this objective contributes towards building a single business solutions team.
Click to expand...

Oh, that could be so, so much worse.

Synergistic aligned c0-delivery of a matrix work stream of visioneered and signed-off recommendations underpinning the implementation going forward of a innovative and holistic paradigm to impact upon benefits management in relation to <<our place of work>>. Success indicator milestones will be calibrated from key performance metrics on ability to deliver the recommendations aligned with the demand-enveloped environment established for <<our department>> through delegated demand-shaping reached out to us by <<our place of work>> and evaluation of the potentiality of the degree to which leveraging objective win grows empowerment of the deployment of a unitary human resource for delivery of business solutions.

Stat.
 
How would we sum up the SMB's mission statement?

Delivering a collaborative platform to allow individual locals to share opinions?

Translation:

An internet forum for spenks to say they wouldn't fuck Kelly Brook
 
Used to work for a Robot of a Programme Manager who spoke only in management speak phrases. I didn't have a f***ing clue what he was taking about

"We don't want to boil the ocean"
"Think of <the task> like a car/tree/lion"
"Act like your life depends on it"
"Do me a One Pager"
"I have an idea of how I want it to look, but I don't want to be prescriptive"
"This isn't at all what I wanted"
 
Frijj said:
How would we sum up the SMB's mission statement?

Delivering a collaborative platform to allow individual locals to share opinions?

Translation:

An internet forum for spenks to say they wouldn't fuck Kelly Brook
Click to expand...
Or a platform for sharing best practices
 
TopCat said:
Used to work for a Robot of a Programme Manager who spoke only in management speak phrases. I didn't have a f***ing clue what he was taking about

"We don't want to boil the ocean"
"Think of <the task> like a car/tree/lion"
"Act like your life depends on it"
"Do me a One Pager"
"I have an idea of how I want it to look, but I don't want to be prescriptive"
"This isn't at all what I wanted"
Click to expand...

I used to work for an old school welder who formed his own company and still kept a hands-on role when he was in his 60s. He was the archetypal blunt person from a former mining area of South Derbyshire and deffo called a spade a big fooking shovel.

I was an IT trainee, about 19 and we kept a crap database of welder time sheets so that we could compare estimates against actual hours worked. To be fair he had some good ideas of what he wanted from his IT systems back in the early 1990s but he wasn't prepared to invest.

He asked me for some reports of each project and how many hours had been worked. I did my best with what I had, I think the database was a flat file system called Reflex, and I walked into his office with about 20 pieces of A4 sheets all printed out, not knowing what to expect.

Edit: Borland Reflex. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borland_Reflex

He looked at the sheets and his face went red, I got nervous and he just said in a loud voice "What am I supposed to do with this - wipe my arse on it?!".

I was taken aback and tried to explain that what he wanted was impossible using 1 PC and an outdated database but he wasn't persuaded. Looking back it's quite funny and it taught me a lot about summaries and brevity in management reports.
 
Going for a meeting in the morning became 'attending morning prayers' in our office.

I once heard someone using the phrase 'synergising the paradigm'. No idea what that meant.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Back
Top